I must share some background on why this blog came into existence. Over the last year and some odd months, I went private and wrote a blog to my children. I enjoyed documenting each month how my children grew. I honestly did not have time for much more.
There was a problem with my blog, letters to my little ones. I openly shared it and my old blog with family. I do not necessarily regret this. They were able to read through old posts, understand my journey, and stay updated on my kids lives in the little that I was able to write. I did realize quickly that having my mom and sisters as readers limited the content. My life has changed. We now have secrets. I am wanting a place to send my words out into the universe and not be judged.
Our drama started long before I knew about it. I found out a couple of months ago that my husband dealt with anxiety by using vicodin and alcohol. He was very addicted and on a slippery slope. My husband somehow hid every bit from me. He spent a massive amount of money and lost all my trust. After completing an inpatient program, an outpatient program, and now after care and NA meetings, he is clean. Although I am left to question everything. I was attending a family program and the counselor asked me who I was. I could not answer. Instead, I choked up and said I did not know. Over the last year, I became only a mother and now an addicts wife. I am still blown away by both of these titles.
Last night, I was laying in bed having deep thoughts about bettering myself, my life. I wondered if it was time to start a gratitude journal or even just a journal again. I need to spend time focusing on my needs. I must learn to become me again. I am not a pencil and paper kind of girl. I had a little epiphany (hence the name of this blog) and decided to reach out to my old friends. I am delighted that already I have a few readers.
In reflection on the last year, I keep thinking about another bloggers words.
Saying goodbye to 2010 will be like closing a very tattered book that barely survived. And yet it did. And so we will put it on the shelf and one day admire its splendid spine.
I only hope I will be admiring it and knowing all is well.
My gratitude for tonight:
- a quiet night of fondue with my sister to ring in the new year
- spring weather in December
- my babies (and I) slept until 8:45am on my last day of winter break. Amazing.
little epiphanies 
I had no idea you were dealing with such stresses. I can only imagine how hard it was to keep smiling to the outside world…and I’m so sorry. I hope 2011 brings you “YOU”. If you ever need anything…I’m not far away.
Wow, you have had a tough year. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. It’s good to have you back.
Hugs.
Oh my! I had no idea you were going through any of this. Big hugs to you for pulling through, both for you and the babies. I hope 2011 is much more peaceful for you.
Don’t you love wordpress so much better? 🙂
First of all, thank you for having me along with you on your journey.
You have had such a rough 2010–I hope 2011 is able to be a new beginning and a time to find yourself. Your little ones are just under 3 months younger than my little lady–I know what you mean about finding yourself again after just being “mommy”. It’s such a tough thing to do.
So- I’m curious as to why you went to WordPress. How do you like it? Do you even know yet?
I am proud of you for coming through all that you have, but I wonder who has been helping take care of you and your needs? How are YOU doing? What can I do to help? Does your family know of all that you have been through this past year? Have you been to counseling for your own emotions and needs?
You are heavy on my heart.
Ashley, I only switched to wordpress so I would no longer be attached to my old blog. I wanted to be anonymous again. I needed a place that my sisters and mom would not be reading. I am having fun learning my way around here although I am not sure if I like it yet or not.
I can only imagine how difficult this past year has been. Thank you for sharing and coming back and inviting us to join you as you search to find yourself again. Many ((hugs))